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If you don't know much about Justin Bieber's rise to superstardom, James Parker provides a good primer:

How did he do it? With YouTube, that’s how. Kissed in his cradle by the witch of the Web, Justin was throwing up little promo reels by the time he was 12. Singing a Brian McKnight song into the bathroom mirror. Or sitting on some municipal steps somewhere, busking mightily about the Lord: “You’re my God and my Fa-ther!” he bellows through the legs of passersby, the wooden body of his guitar reverberating with his shouts. ...

Bieber wasn’t from the Disney factory, and he didn’t have a show on Nickelodeon, so the marketing plan was skewed toward his already established constituency in social media: lots of Facebooking and YouTubing and sugary tweets to his millions-strong Twitter army.

Yesterday, the entire internet posted the kinda-hyped “Jennifer Aniston Sex Tape,” which was not a sex tape but, in fact, a video of Aniston deliberately attempting viral trends in a lengthy commercial for Smart Water. I was completely fooled – I thought Smart Water had literally filmed a Jennifer Aniston sex tape and was like “we don’t usually do this because we’re a water company and we’re not sure if this is legal but here is moving image of actress Jennifer Aniston having sexual intercourse. Smart Water – the Smartest Water in the waterfall!

The video features Aniston and a team of nerdy viral marketing characters attempting various internet hallmarks, including puppies, CGI’d dancing babies, and a Double Rainbow Guy facsimile. Ultimately, it’s not terrible, but the whole thing is so selfconscious and lame in the way that every time a company tries to do something radical dot com it ends up just reaffirming its own parentlike vague understanding of what the kidz are into these days. Skateboards and innanet, what I always says!

Half the people on the internet have no idea what the Double Rainbow Guy is, and this half likely won’t see the Aniston video for another 6 weeks or ever (this is the same half that can’t reset MSN.com as its homepage). The other half saw the Aniston video seconds after it showed up online (AskJeeves posted it first, uhhhgain), and these web savvy people all know that Double Rainbow Guy happened eight months ago, an eternity in internet dog years.

Basically, it’s a commercial very deliberately trying to manufacture something “cool,” and in the process just seeming even more commercially than commercials that are just like “Sup. I’m a commercial.” Ironically, the entire internet did end up posting the video, and it’s on its way to 1 million views, but I don’t interpret this as any sort of endorsement of its hilarity or creativity beyond just “It’s the internet news cycle, Charlie Sheen stuff’s dying down, here’s a video with a celebrity that’ll take 3 calories of effort to throw online and everyone is obligatorily talking about it, so I guess we have to do this.” It’s my job to have that exact line of thinking.

I don’t feel like posting the video, but if you somehow haven’t seen it and want to, take .001 seconds and Google it and be like “Jennifer Aniston and babies. This sure is some illusion of movement.” Next up: Evolution Of Ronald McDonald’s Dance. The previous sentence just got 400,000 obligatory, half-assed views.

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